Mixed feelings.

So much in my minds that I got to say... 

1. School (EXAMS) 

I swear I'm stressed up now. Like seriously. 1 day away from my Amath+History paper. 2 days from my Emath paper. So much things yet to little time. Up till now, as I'm doing my TYS (Ten Year Series), I still find myself having difficulty doing the questions. (DAMN!) it's like... Even the basics?! WHAT?! And I'm sitting for the paper in like less than 48 hours time?! What's this man T.T I feel so blur and annoyed at the same time... Honestly, I don't find the good in scoring top or the best in a certain subject or in position... It clearly showed me how more competitive I became. Fear of losing to others, fear of losing the position, fear of not hitting the target, fear of almost EVERYTHING. Not a nice feeling afterall... 

-What Am I doing: stressed, worrying. 

-What I should be doing: I guess as I think of it.. Praying would be the thing I would do as of now. Also, getting rid of that stupid thinking above and just do my best. Right? Haisz. 

2. School (FRIENDS) 

There are pros and cons being in a different batch from those my age. I'm studying with the 1999 batch of students. (I'm a 98-er) 

Pros: 

Having to be able to cope with everything better. (If not I would be sitting for O's in a few days time) 

Cons: 

Having to be stuck with people who's mentality is a lot more immature. -.- 

Idk is it that my thinking mature too fast or is it that my classmates are just too childish. Like seriously. I personally don't like the fact where people use my work to "reference" and then copy everything over. Like seriously?! Don't have brains to think? Don't u feel guilty to score using other's work? That's like copy right please! -.- Even in tests and exams... Where communication is so often... Cheating makes u look like a loser. Totally LOSER. Shows how dumb u are. Not impressed. 

Not only in school work. Also in the class. Among one another. Ok, so there was this incident where one of the class's girl who is isolated by the rest. She is like the target for all those immature guys who act like monkeys. Target as in ... Negatively. We were asked to surrender our phones and this girl was just slow. So this guy, I shall name him A, snatched it from her. She slightly hit him for it, and then he used the textbook to whack her and she fell. So she cried. And guess what was the class's reaction? REINACT THE INCIDENT. WTF?! People is already feeling down, and yet they still have the cheek to laugh. What's wrong with people nowadays -_-' 

Another problem:

So I used to be close to a group of girls in the school. We were literally like best out of the best of friends during that period of time. I even had the thinking that we were going to be a life-time friendship. But mehhh. Things changed. ok, everything changes. But this time. It's without a freaking REASON. It's like u put in so much effort to show someone u care, and yet they just leave u and not bother about how u feel. Even better when that someone doesn't admit his/her fault. I really don't understand.. Is that important to have friends who could benefit you? Totally don't get what human beings are thinking... Mostly only want to see u suffer and losing to them, then they will be happy. (OK CAN) but really, know your limits. We all have feelings too! Spread at least spread real facts lahhh. 

Third: 

I have "friends" around me. So many. I don't even know who's face is real and who's is fake. It's true people... They are nice friends with you and stuffs.. But when it comes to results, academic, THEY ARE SELFISH. They only want the best for themselves. Neglecting how well or how bad u do. They become COMPETETIVE. It's horrible guys... Why can't everyone just be normal? Just work hard for a certain score and not just merely trying to beat over someone? Just trying ur best and stuffs... Why is it not as easy as it can be said? Sighs. 

Fourth: leadership 

I hope u guys are reading this. So recently I was posted to a position in the prefectorial board executive committee. After being the senior of the board for around 2 months, I found out many things that I've never knew. I learnt a lot too. Weird but yeah. Firstly, it would be that I got to understand how my juniors feel more. So I was asked to select a few leaders for the school's publicity video. And so I sort of picked out those who rarely get a chance? (To be picked) and one of the response I got was that they finally got the chance to be doing something for prefects. For this point, I feel that I actually failed. I did not give equal amount of chances to everyone. Some to them, it's like the existence in the board doesn't exist. Coming to conclusion of those we feel are the potential leaders, but yet we forgot that the chances of giving those few potential leaders is too much. Too much which allowed them to show and become a better leader. I've now seen potential leaders who are still hidden. I want to give them a chance to shine. 

(LOL AT THE LENGTH BETWEEN PROS AND CONS) 

3. FEELINGS 

Everyone of us have feelings towards someone. It can be an infatuation, an eye candy or maybe a crush? Idk whether or not I should be posting about this... But yeah.. Since I started, might as well continue. I've been confused about my own feelings. U know how u're trying to forget someone and it's so hard? It's like u know it's impossible but yet you keep trying? Not realizing that it doesn't brings any good to you but just hurtful feelings? Honestly guys, I can't stop my own feelings. If I could, I would do so long long long long time ago. Till the extend I have to trick myself in believing that I like someone else (successful for that few hours and then back to reality). These like and don't like feeling is not nice at all. Like if only these feelings could stop for a while. (It's making me overthink and think too much!) All I ever wanted was a conversation... Is it that hard? Ok. I should stop here. Not wanting to continue anymore. Knowing there are people who is reading my blog. NAHUH. 

Shall end off my blog post here.. I'm tired.. Gotta go continue with my work. Enough ranting and spilled all my words. 

Xoxo 

Realizing

Hey all! So yeah.. I've been a while and left this blog unattended to. Sorry about that if anyone of you happen to be waiting for my next post (I guess none HAHA) 

So.. Today, right now, I have so many things that I want to say. But I'll pin down to the most important thing I've learnt in this week. 

You know how us girls are so so so x100000 concern about how we look, how people see us and stuffs. Just all that concerns our looks and appearance to others. Well, for me, I am that sort of girl who worries about everything about my appearance. I get paranoid with all the stares that the public gives me. Sometimes when I'm positive, I would be like "oh, too gorgeous for you?" In my minds ofcourse... Or even "too pretty that's why the stares?" But on days when I'm in a relatively bad and sad mood, I would be like "OMG... What's with those stares?" "Am I appearing ugly? Fat? Short? Big legs? My tummy showing?" All these thoughts... Are so ridiculous and not necessary. Nah uh! 

Ok so, what does that have to do with why am I blogging about this. Well, recently, I changed my spectacles. To a larger frame ofcourse. For some reason, I find myself looking ok when selecting. I find it suitable and all. BUT! My minds only changed after I attended school the next day. Not wrong... All the judgemental comments started to come in. "Eh look at JiaEn" "YOU LOOK VERY WEIRD" X5 "y ur specs make your eyes look so small ah?" "The specs too big for you" "You look funny" FOR THE WHOLE ENTIRE DAY I'VE BEEN HEARING ALL THESE COMMENTS GOING IN AND OUT. Even the stares... 

Despite all those comments and stares.. I  came to realise one thing along the way. For some reason, i hear a voice inside my head telling me "it doesn't matter how others see you, what matters most is how you see about yourself" Yes, I was shock myself too.. To have that positive thinking inside my head that I never thought would and never imagine myself looking to the positive side. To be honest, I've never really seen myself pretty or anything.. I'm always paranoid with how I look. I have fat thighs and weighing as heavy as 55kg. Sometimes I would look into the mirror and wonder why am I born with my eyes so small... Why is my nose so flat.. Why is my face so big, why am I not naturally skinny like every other girls, why do they look good even without trying...All these thoughts just haunts me.. I have to TRY HARD to be good looking. 

Above all these, the take away message I've come to learn and realise is that I am the master of my mind, if I think I am good enough, nothing else matters. No one else is able to defeat my thinking. No one else should be able to. The most important judgment that wins at the end, is still my own thinking. If I feel that I look good, ofcourse I will see myself looking good. If I find myself fat and ugly, ofcourse I will appear to be. If one leaves u because of how you look, then just don't give a damn about that "friend", if one judge you and laughs at you, just smile at them and forget it. And if you're like me, trying to look good and all, DO STH ABOUT IT. (This is sth I have to remind myself too btw cause I'm those who slacks off halfway. Oops.) but really, If we don't do anything about it, we're just gonna remain like this. Funny? NO. 

I'm still trying. I'm glad I'm able to achieve this thinking of how my own judgement of myself is the most important above all the rest. 

Before I end off, I have a verse that I would like to share. Just came across it from the bible that my cell leader has just sent to the group: "The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing" -Psalms 23. 

another reminder, GOD LOVES YOU. He created you, so you, SHOULD love yourself as well. 

Xoxo